Today I am writing about a very personal issue, my weight. My weight has always been an issue for me. My weight always makes me feel unhappy. Literally, typing this actually gives me tears in my eyes a little.
Why am I writing about this? I just stood on the scale and it told me I weigh 66kg. I am just 1.66m tall. And that means I should be careful with my weight. And it kind of gave me this extremely sad feeling. Like when I was younger. I am a hundred percent SURE that I am not the only one in this world with this issue. And I do want to give everyone who feels this way more power, and make them feel like someone does understand them. Because I often feel misunderstood.
Back when I was younger I was obsessed with my weight. If I gained one kg, I didn’t want to eat for the entire day. And when I gained a lot of weight, it made me feel sad. For a while my weight stayed the same for at least 3 years. And then I turned 18. I gained 13kg. I weighed 58kg and it was okay to me. Still healthy but if I would reach 60kg, I should be radical again..
Now. I did pass the 60kg. I do feel bad about it. But I figured that if I would stay on a healthy weight, it would be okay. Today I hit 66. And I feel really bad. Ugly even. While I think I have a nice face. But everyhing below my face is just… Fat. And then I feel like: ‘Why would anyone love me, while I am fat?’. Which is not true. Many people tell me that I am not fat. My boyfriend loves me with anything he has, a lot more people do love me for being me, but why do I still feel that way?
I am still trying to figure out why I feel this way and what I should do about it, because it is not okay to feel like this.
Please don’t respond with posts like ‘But you are not fat’ and ‘You are doing this for attention’. I’m not. I’m not even doing it for you anyways. Mostly, I am doing this for myself, to make things clear to myself. And because I know that I am not the only one struggling with this, I want people to know that other people feel this bad too. That they aren’t alone. Posts like this might even be helpful to people.
Do you recognise this feeling? Let me know!